I guess you could say I did, though based on my experience it's never quite that cut and dry. It definitely didn't take the first, or even the second or third time, so I suppose I did walk myself down a bit, if only by default. But at some point you have to make the decision to stop completely, or else you're going to keep using and fall back into the worst of it. Maybe that unintentional weaning helped, but no matter when you make the decision to stop completely, it's going to be hell.
The worst part might not even be withdrawal, although that part's pretty bad. But every junkie gets dopesick from time to time, whether they want to quit or not, just because sometimes you can't get your hands on anything. But even after you've gone through the physical part, a psychological funk sets in. You feel like you've made it past the worst of detox, but then the numbness wears off and you see what a mess you've made of things and you still don't feel right physically. It takes time to basically rewire your brain. Baseball actually helped me a lot with that. It gave me something to focus and basically obsess over besides drugs. I sometimes wonder if the Royals hadn't shown signs of life for the first time in 20-some years in 2013, if I would have gotten clean when I did.
That was probably way more of an answer than you were bargaining for. Sorry to run on, but thanks again for reading.
No worries. I appreciate you answering. Most can’t (or aren’t suppose to) quit cold turkey. But I’m proud of you! That stuff is the devil. How long did it take for the urges to not be your every waking thought?
Hard to say because there's so much time in the rear view, which is a good thing, but I would say the first 3-6 months were very tough and it gradually improves and the cravings lessen. Real life slowly comes back into focus and starts to take precedence. The weird part is that even after you start to get some separation from it and feel like yourself again, it finds ways to sneak up on you. Even now, every now and then something will trigger me. It doesn't happen very often thankfully, and it's not very strong- I'm not even sure I would call it a craving- more like a tickle from the past. I've changed my life so much since then that I don't even know how I would act on it if I wanted to. But I consider it a reminder to never let my guard down. Because I never want to go back to that life again. Thanks for your support and I hope life is good for you!
Well done! I’ve always liked him, and been saddened by his struggles with his own demons. I remember in 2007 thinking he could have been the perfect cleanup hitter behind Joey Votto, and seeing him do that by 2010.
I'm glad you went ahead and published this. I'm sure that wasn't easy. Like you said, you can't change your past, but you can make sure it doesn't define you.
Sorry you went through this, but happy you came through the other side and are in a good place now. Thanks for sharing, it had to be tough to do that, and the fact you're clean now. Stay strong for all you have now!
Thanks for reading and for your encouragement, Ed. It was definitely not an easy post to write. This isn't the kind of subject that's a lot of fun to talk about, but so many of us have been affected by it, either directly or indirectly, I feel like it was worth telling my story alongside Hamilton's. I don't want to sound cliche or act like I'm more important than I am, but if just one person dealing with addiction (either themselves or someone they care about) reads this and gains even a sliver of motivation to keep fighting, I'll consider it a success. And it can be a lonely ordeal. Even if they've already come out the other side like I did, it's good to hear you're not alone and other people have gone through it too.
Darrel Porter made me cry. Sometimes it doesn't let go. Thanks for having the courage to post this. I have been exposed many folks with substance issues, thankfully they're the happy stories so far.
I'm glad to hear that, Jeff. Having been on both sides of it, sometimes it's harder to watch people you care about go through it (than actually dealing with it yourself) because there's only so much you can do to help and it often leaves you feeling powerless.
I only really got to see Porter as a Cardinal (and a Ranger, I guess), but knowing that he was so good for the Royals, and the fact that he wore glasses, which was a big deal for a young four-eyes like myself, always endeared him to me. His story is heartbreaking, and not just because he appeared to have his demons beat. That's one of the real tragedies of substance abuse. From everything I've heard, he was a great guy off the field, and obviously a great player on it, but the first thing most people think of when his name is mentioned is how he died. Yes, he was an addict, and that part should not be glossed over, but he was so much more than that too.
Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing your kind words.
Congrats on your sobriety! Did you go cold turkey?
Thank you and thanks for reading.
I guess you could say I did, though based on my experience it's never quite that cut and dry. It definitely didn't take the first, or even the second or third time, so I suppose I did walk myself down a bit, if only by default. But at some point you have to make the decision to stop completely, or else you're going to keep using and fall back into the worst of it. Maybe that unintentional weaning helped, but no matter when you make the decision to stop completely, it's going to be hell.
The worst part might not even be withdrawal, although that part's pretty bad. But every junkie gets dopesick from time to time, whether they want to quit or not, just because sometimes you can't get your hands on anything. But even after you've gone through the physical part, a psychological funk sets in. You feel like you've made it past the worst of detox, but then the numbness wears off and you see what a mess you've made of things and you still don't feel right physically. It takes time to basically rewire your brain. Baseball actually helped me a lot with that. It gave me something to focus and basically obsess over besides drugs. I sometimes wonder if the Royals hadn't shown signs of life for the first time in 20-some years in 2013, if I would have gotten clean when I did.
That was probably way more of an answer than you were bargaining for. Sorry to run on, but thanks again for reading.
No worries. I appreciate you answering. Most can’t (or aren’t suppose to) quit cold turkey. But I’m proud of you! That stuff is the devil. How long did it take for the urges to not be your every waking thought?
Hard to say because there's so much time in the rear view, which is a good thing, but I would say the first 3-6 months were very tough and it gradually improves and the cravings lessen. Real life slowly comes back into focus and starts to take precedence. The weird part is that even after you start to get some separation from it and feel like yourself again, it finds ways to sneak up on you. Even now, every now and then something will trigger me. It doesn't happen very often thankfully, and it's not very strong- I'm not even sure I would call it a craving- more like a tickle from the past. I've changed my life so much since then that I don't even know how I would act on it if I wanted to. But I consider it a reminder to never let my guard down. Because I never want to go back to that life again. Thanks for your support and I hope life is good for you!
Well done! I’ve always liked him, and been saddened by his struggles with his own demons. I remember in 2007 thinking he could have been the perfect cleanup hitter behind Joey Votto, and seeing him do that by 2010.
Thanks for reading. He and Votto in the same lineup in their primes would have been a lot of fun to watch.
I'm glad you went ahead and published this. I'm sure that wasn't easy. Like you said, you can't change your past, but you can make sure it doesn't define you.
Thank you, Darin. Writing it was surprisingly cathartic, but clicking the publish button was daunting. I'm proud of how it turned out.
Sorry you went through this, but happy you came through the other side and are in a good place now. Thanks for sharing, it had to be tough to do that, and the fact you're clean now. Stay strong for all you have now!
Thanks for reading and for your encouragement, Ed. It was definitely not an easy post to write. This isn't the kind of subject that's a lot of fun to talk about, but so many of us have been affected by it, either directly or indirectly, I feel like it was worth telling my story alongside Hamilton's. I don't want to sound cliche or act like I'm more important than I am, but if just one person dealing with addiction (either themselves or someone they care about) reads this and gains even a sliver of motivation to keep fighting, I'll consider it a success. And it can be a lonely ordeal. Even if they've already come out the other side like I did, it's good to hear you're not alone and other people have gone through it too.
Darrel Porter made me cry. Sometimes it doesn't let go. Thanks for having the courage to post this. I have been exposed many folks with substance issues, thankfully they're the happy stories so far.
I'm glad to hear that, Jeff. Having been on both sides of it, sometimes it's harder to watch people you care about go through it (than actually dealing with it yourself) because there's only so much you can do to help and it often leaves you feeling powerless.
I only really got to see Porter as a Cardinal (and a Ranger, I guess), but knowing that he was so good for the Royals, and the fact that he wore glasses, which was a big deal for a young four-eyes like myself, always endeared him to me. His story is heartbreaking, and not just because he appeared to have his demons beat. That's one of the real tragedies of substance abuse. From everything I've heard, he was a great guy off the field, and obviously a great player on it, but the first thing most people think of when his name is mentioned is how he died. Yes, he was an addict, and that part should not be glossed over, but he was so much more than that too.
Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing your kind words.